I need a place to put this so no one can see it and that is here. I wish someone in my life knew I had a tumble. I wish I had a bond with someone so intimate I could poke up the parts of me that I bury under fakeness. All my interactions feel fake lately. Who in my life knows the 13 year old me who would cling to tumblr as a coping mechanism. Who was messaging their first partner at 12 and their best friend who I kissed once and then regretted. Who in my life knows about the many moon phases of life I’ve transitioned through and how the current one im in is dark and lonely and I’ve been there for what feels like forever. I fucking miss her. I compare everyone to casey. Casey was fucking shit to me and yet I compare everyone to her. I can’t even make fuxking friends without shutting myself off because that is how she started in my life. If I go back to therapy it will be because of that selfish fucking taurus bitch. That is ugly language but she was an ugly partner and did ugly fucking things. I still remember the last night I kissed her and lying on my cold apartment floor rolling after she told me she just wanted to fuck then go to sleep when we both took drugs. Being with her was the Casey show and that was fine for me because that’s all I grew up around. The Michele show, the jack show, the being used for others needs then discarded show. At first with Casey I thought I had manifested my dream partner but in reality the universe was testing me with having the perfect partner already in my life and letting Casey home wreck the fuck out of it. I’m tired of using luna as an excuse. Her dying was traumatic but not the reason I started dating Casey. I fucking cheated on linda numerous times, and almira too. Addie was the last good love I had in me and it took me all of college to “get over her” and now I find myself in the same predicament. I also find myself being painfully aware that without connection and love there is really nothing to live for. I don’t want to grow old alone even if I say I do. I don’t want to have kids as a single parent even though I say I will. I want a fucking family more than anything on this earth. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep going on pretending that I don’t care about being lonely or constantly moving or being lonely or constantly moving. If I knew there was someone to take care of sol there are many times I would have driven off the mountain I was living on in Mariposa. In highschool, there was a reason I got into so many car crashes and I have never said that out loud before but it’s true. I didn’t fucking care about my life and I do now but not enough to want to live it alone. Everyone I talk too bores me, everyone I miss disgusts me, everyone I meet disappoints me and I have genuinely felt like I’m asexual for a while now. I feel like a fuxking shell of the person I used to be and I know nostalgia is a liar but is so fucking good at manipulating it doesn’t feel like lies. I don’t dream about her as much but when I do I wake up and feel like crying and cutting my entire body up. So I come here or my notes and write. Because I cannot keep that feeling of a mixture of disgust and longing inside me any longer. Everyone always leaves even if I’m the first to go. I have never had someone stay even if I’m the one to push them away I just want someone to fucking push back. To fucking see me and challenge me and not leave me. I just want a fucking human to share this fuck ass existence with
